HackerOne: How the Arch Angel stole Live Events

Summary:

I figured I’m well overdue for this.

Looking forward to the 2024 LHE season!

I <3 you Hackerone, & Community Team!

Description:

Every hacker on Hackerone liked Live Hacking a lot…  
But ArchAngel who’d been to fifteen did NOT!  
The Angel hated hacking! The whole live event season!  
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be perhaps there’s a WAF he can’t thwart,  
It could be perhaps the dupe window was too short,  
But I think that the most likely reason of all,  
May have been that the snack options were two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, dupe window or the snackers,  
He dreaded an invite while HATING the hackers,  
Staring at his monitor with a sour, bearded frown,  
At all the hackers having fun in the live-event town.

For he knew every hacker at the LHE venue,  
Was busy ordering drinks from the happy hour menu,  
“And they’re collabing on bugs!” He snarled with a sneer,  
“Tomorrow is the event day, it’s practically here!”

Then he growled, with his angelic fingers nervously drumming,  
“I MUST find some way to stop bounties from coming!”  
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Customer girls and boys,  
Would wake bright and early. They'd ready their employees!

And then! Oh, the exploits! Oh, the exploits!  
Exploits! Exploits! Exploits!  
That's one thing he hated! The EXPLOITS!  
EXPLOITS! EXPLOITS! EXPLOITS!

Then the hackers young and old would sit and hunt bugs.  
They’d find bugs, and find bugs, and find BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS!  
They’d find bugs for the customer, who’d give them some hugs,  
Which is something that made the arch angel say “ugh!”

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!  
Every hacker at the live event, the tall and the small,  
Would slam on the keyboard with their fingers jabbing,  
They’d hack side by side, and the hackers would start collabing!

They’d collab! And they’d collar! And they’d COLLAB COLLAB COLLAB!  
And the more the Arch Angel thought of this Live Event Collab,  
The more the Arch Angel thought, “their bugs I must grab!”  
Why, for thirty-four years I’ve put up with it now!

“I MUST stop the Live Event from starting! But HOW?”  
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!  
The Arch Angel got a wonderful AWFUL idea!  
“I know just what to do!” The Angel said with fervent,

As he put on his best Argentine accent  
And he chuckled, “This is the ruse of the century!”  
“Why with an accent and some stilts, I’ll look just like Ari!”  
“All I need is some hair…” The Angel looked around.

But since The Angel was bald, there was none to be found.  
Did that stop the Arch Angel? No! The Angel simply said,  
“If I can’t grow my own hair, I’ll steal some good hair instead!”  
So he called up Nicole, and took out his shears,

And glued on her locks, right above his ears.  
Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks,  
Onto a plane to go steal some uber leet hax.  
The Arch Angel was giddy, as his plane landed down,

And slunk from the airport in the live event town.  
The venue was dark. He’d have so much success!  
All the hackers were still barhopping and partying with Jess!  
When he came to first room of swag he’d finesse.

“This is stop number one,” the old Ari-fake hissed,  
And he walked in the door, empty bags in his fist.  
He tried to log into Twitch, a task very painful,  
But if Ariel could do it, then so could the Angel.

He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
Then he restarted his laptop, his monitor blue.  
And announced to the Twitch audience who was there for a show,  
“These swag boxes,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,  
Around the whole room, and took every swag present!  
T-shirts! Waterbottles! Stickers! Hoodies!  
Custom Snowboards, and other long-awaited goodies!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Arch Angel of gloom,  
Set his eyes next on the triaging room.  
He slunk into that room. He watched the scope call!  
He peaked at the triage queue. His jaw started to fall!

He darted out of that room as quick as a flash.  
Why, the Angel was disgusted they’d make so much cash!  
So he set to “NA” all the bugs that were Lows.  
“And NOW!” Grinned the Angel, “I’ll mark the Crits as Infos!”

And the Angel was closing reports without love  
When he heard a small sound, like the coo of a dove.  
He turned around fast, and looking quite irate,  
Was ol Caitlin Allison, whom they call Cait the Great.

The Angel had been caught by this astute Hackeronie,  
Who he hoped wouldn’t see that he was just an Ari phony.  
She stared at the Angel and said, “Ariel, why,”  
“Why are you closing the bugs out? WHY?”

But you know that old Angel was so smart and so slick,  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
“Why my sweet little Cait,” the fake Ariel lied,  
“There’s a leaderboard change that Shlomie just tried.”

“So I’m closing out TEST bugs, so don’t look so deflated”  
“I’m just making sure that reputation gets updated.”  
And his fib fooled the Cait. Then he patted her head,  
And he bought her a cosmo and he sent her to bed.

And when Cait the Great went to sleep with her booze,  
He started closing again, he had no time to lose!  
The last bug he closed, was a doozy from Chap,  
Then he opened up the leaderboard for the event, the old sap.
And with one press of a button, he shut down the whole app.  

And the one little bug that he left still open,  
Was a CSRF from Justin that no one had hope in.  
Then he did the same thing to other program’s queues,
Knowing that without bugs, the all the hackers would lose!  

It was quarter past dawn… All the hackers still hung-over,  
All the Hacker’s still asnooze, when his laptop he hunched over,  
He packed it up with their swag! Their free drinks! Their Macs!
Their Lenovos! Their chargers! Their stickers! Their snacks!  

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt Hood,  
He planned to dump it off the mountain for good!  
“PoohPooh to the Hackers!” He was fiendishly humming!
“They’re finding out now that no live event is coming!”  

“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!”  
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,"
"Then the Hackers at the Live Event will all cry BooHoo!”

“That’s a noise,” grinned the Angel, “That I simply MUST hear!”  
So he paused. And the Angel put a hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound coming in through the Slack.  
Was it the sound of hackers when they aren’t able to hack?!

But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!  
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!  
He stared at the Live Event! The Angel popped his eyes!  
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every hacker at the Live Event, the tall and the small,  
Was collaborating! Without any bounties at all!  
He HADN’T stopped the Live Event from coming! IT CAME!  
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Angel, with his angelic fingers tapping on his keyboard,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “Why are Live Events so adored?!”  
“It came without bounties! It came without hacks!”  
“It came without waterbottles, shirts, or backpacks!”

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.  
Then the Angel thought of something he hadn’t before!  
“Maybe Live Events,” he thought, “aren’t just about loot.”  
“Maybe Live Events,” he thought “are about friends and customers to boot!”

And what happened next? Well…at Hackerone they say,  
That the Angel’s friend circle grew three sizes that day!  
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,  
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,

And re-opened the bugs, and gave out swag that was swell,  
And he, HE HIMSELF, The Angel gave the first Show & Tell.

Impact

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!